been ranting a lot lately haih, i hope you fellow readers dont mind all these negativity thats been conquering. Its just that, the pain has gotten more worse, i mean yeah ive gotten a little bit happier than i used to be but the pain isnt decreasing at all, its increasing much more drastically since the happiness too, is increasing, you get me here? Its a lot more painful just cause this pain is mentally and not physically. If its physical pain, with a little swap of medicine, it could be cured but this is the freaking heart we're talking about. Our feelings and emotions, our senses and those kind of shits ergh. why do we even need feelings, why do I even need em. Why cant i be emotionless, why cant i have a disease that caused me to be heartless sigh now thats not a good thing to wish for is it najwa haih. Now can i be the jerk? Can i be the one who plays around with other peoples' feelings? Cause it has always been me that i really dont know how to feel loved again, i mean, yeah i am loved, by my family and friends i guess but not really LOVE ya know idk how to explain it tho but there's this small part of me that wants more, not just this ergh god dammit this is hard, like ive said before, i suck at writing, i suck interpreting my feelings into words
i'd rather talk than write but then again, no one will listen, no one WANTS to listen to some teenage rants about depression and love and those shits so i just keep quiet and listen to music while i sit all alone in my room. Its not like i didnt try to be happy, i did, loads of time, and for some times i am truly happy, i laugh a lot with my friends, smile to the most random and smallest things and thats what i love about life, the simplicity. But sadness has conquer me a lot more, sadness and sorrow has taken over me a lot more than the happy thoughts. I wonder how many depressing people ive bumped onto the streets, how many teenagers that actually cuts because they hate themselves have i met. How many adults whose not happy with what they do have i talked to. Its these small things that makes me wonder, these things that actually affects our daily life. I am sad and happy at the same time. Its like the things that make me sad are also the things that make me happy. How fucking weird is that? Hahahaha
Why do i still go back to him when i know he's the main reason to why i am so sad. I mean he does makes me happy like head over heels but the thing is, he has a girlfriend hahaha how pathetic am i. In love with a guy who has someone to love and care for. Eventhough we do talk, a lot, i bet it will always be her over me. At the end of the day, he will go back to her. I'll be the one who he talks to when he gets bored or needs something or just wanna play around huh? and eventhough i know that for a fact, i still stick around, one, cause i love him and two is because he makes me happy...and sad at the same time haih. So i am literally torturing myself. I could just walk away from all of these if i wanted too ya know, but i didnt, i was the one who decided to stay, and suffer, all alone, just because of him, cause he makes me happy, and terribly sad too.