i wrote this long ass post about love but it just seemed so ridiculous & embarrassing mostly so i decided to delete it. i love writing, i have these bunch of ideas and opinions and thoughts that i would wanna share but unfortunately i am so bad at writing. so bad at converting my feelings, my emotions into words so i end up screwing everything and make it sound so stupid & pointless.

but im still gonna write it anyway, funny how the word love doesnt makes me flutter or even nervous like i used to. i have this big perception about love but im just trying to figure out how to put them into words. a lot of things happened this year that made me question of how much do people really love me. how much do people care about me. how big does "love" actually influence peoples' lives. they might say they love or care but words only doesnt really seem convincing. got my heart broken pretty bad this year & the whole thing made me realize of how easy it was for me to fall madly in love with a guy, to say those 3 words so easily. looking back thinking how of a fool i was, actually believing that it was true love, that he was the one. but maybe he was my soulmate but somewhere in the middle i screwed up. so ended up being like this. excuse me for my rather obnoxious nonsense at this kind of hour. i just have a lot going through my mind & i felt the best way to get it out was to write.

so, love. the first thing that comes out to my head when i hear the word love is, nothing to be honest, just random stuff mashing all up together, which is very confusing. ive always wanted to experience those kind of love where your heart flutters everytime you see him, the way he smiles just mesmerize you & gives u this electric kind of feeling which would triggers your whole body to experience that weird, unexplained feeling. you get me here? god this is so hard to explain. like those love scenes in movies. how u would meet them at a coffee shop or at a bookstore, talk about the things u two love & hate, about how your state of mind were. one thing i hate about love is how people try to connect it with sex. how u gotta show your love through sex. how physical touch is needed in relationships. why cant we just fall in love with the things that people do. like how they eat their food, how they drink they water, how they walk, how their lips would form this beautiful curve when they smile, how their thoughts flies around and never bothers to stop, how they are always curious about something, how they solve their problems, how they find the cute little things so funny, how they would prefer a simple date to the movie rather than a fancy dinner in a fancy restaurant, how they would tie their shoe on the right before tying on the left, how they would sleep on the right side instead of their left side, how their face would be during reading their favorite book.

just those small little things are the most precious to me. relationships could also work out without those physical touch, without wanting to push them to the wall & make out every minute. i mean, we are just normal human beings with needs, that we, even i myself, cant avoid. but relationships isnt just about physical contact.god fucking dammit, what im trying to say here is love is a very confusing thing, it fucking hurts & fuck the shit outta you. but at the same time, its the most incredible, most heartwarming experience you'll ever go through. thats life man, there's gonna be ups & downs, disappointments after disappointments but before youre gonna get the rainbow u gotta go through the storm kan. well, thats what they said. i dont even know what im taking about here. i better step out before i come up with more stupid things to say. this post havent even reached its aim of the topic, these are just merely mindless ramblings. excuse this 17 year old little girl