rise up

my last post was a day after he broke up with me, but since ive drafted those words way way before that happened, i just had to post it.

posting it made me really emotional, i was a fucking wreck the day he ended it, 
i had no desire to meet anyone, or even talk to anyone. holy shit was that how it felt like?! 
was that how painful it was?! i dont know how people can go through this more than once.

stayed in my room the whole day, i had a final presentation the next day, and i only came for my presentation, and went back immediately after it. i wasnt strong enough to face the world that day. 
i didnt even ate the whole day & the day after, that was very rare of me, to not want to eat anything.

he broke up with me at around 6.30pm on a saturday

at 9pm friday, i was still crying like a mother who lost her child. it was really painful oh ya Allah so painful, i swear ive never felt that much emotional pain in my entire life. my chest was hurting, 
i couldnt breathe. i was crying in a way ive never cried before, dear god it was ugly.

and i swore to myself, i never want to feel that. i swore to myself, i never want to put myself in that situation ever again, i swear to god.

it was unbearable at that moment, it was just too much.

i know Allah doesnt test one person more than she can handle but dear god, honestly, the thought of taking my own life was lingering in my mind.

its that crazy huh.

the heartbreaks ive experienced before can NEVER come close to what i felt that day, EVER. 
very so far away, a very very minor heartbreak compared to what i felt that day.

maybe we rushed thing? maybe he didnt loved me in the first place? maybe we were wrong for each other? maybe we were right for each other but time was a bitch? maybe oh maybe? 
all the possibilities. 

what if i had done better as his partner? what if i did something differently then maybe he would have stayed? what if i was there for him more? what if i didnt merajuk a lot then maybe he wouldnt have gotten annoyed? maybe oh maybe.

i really wish it was all just a dream, waking up the next day and still receiving his good morning & i love you text.

i really wish he was just saying all of that because of anger & frustration, and he didnt really mean it.

i wished he came back

but i guess promises will always meant to be broken, always.

he made me really happy, beyond crazy happy that i didnt even wanna sleep so just that i could talk to him all day long. every love song i listened reminded me of him. i cant even relate to any sad love songs, every cute couples post reminds me of him. not that i was obsessed on doing it with him but he reminds me of anything about love.

every time we see each other, i feel like packing him in my bag and bringing him home because i dont want him to go away, i want him by my side, always. i even wrote down things he hates, things he loved, small reminders, important dates in his life. i wouldn't mind making so much efforts in making him happy. 

but like all good things, everything has an ending. i fucking hate that. i fucking hate sad endings. thats why i dont watch sad movies when i know it has a bitter ending. i avoid.

i prayed very very hard that i will never have to experience what i felt that day, 
and i prayed that no one will ever have to feel what i felt. i swear to you it was killing me, 
i'd rather be stab or even shot than to feel what i felt that day.

but my dear love, thank you for being a part of my life even it was temporarily. you made me very happy, and i pray someone someday can give you what you want, i pray that someone someday will be your perfect one, and will make you more happy than youve made me these past few months. 
in those particulars moments, he was my elysium, he was my first love.
and i guess first love will always hit you the hardest
i was, insanely in love with him, its crazy, so crazy, it scared me sometimes.

and i promised myself to never be that devoted to anyone ever again.

alhamdulillah right now im in a really really better state of mind now, 
he still lingers in my thoughts sometimes, but never constant. a certain smell or a certain memory brings flashbacks, i hate flashbacks but i loved him so it was alright i guess. 
what ive learned from all these was that i move on real pretty quick, pretty easily. 
not in a sense of how easy it was to forget him or how he was insignificant but because i learned to let go & let God do His job. i prayed to Allah to bring him back but instead Allah brought ease in my heart. Allah gave me calmness, Allah gave me strength & patience., 
i know what he's putting me through is the best for me, i trust in His plans. 
i dont feel bitter towards him, i really dont. im a very firm believer of everything happens for a reason. 

with what has occured, it made me learned more about myself, it made me look at things with different perspectives now, i look at people differently now, i look at relationships in ways i never thought i would have, probably both in good & bad ways. i learned to appreciate myself more, 
and you can bet your ass i loved myself even more after what happened. i knew i deserve the whole world, i deserve to be happy. i didnt want to let myself dwell too long because i wanted to move forward. i wanted to look back only to see how far ive come.

i guess its true what they say "that moment when he decides he doesnt want you anymore, is the start of you wanting yourself"

but im not even kidding when i say i love myself so much now, so much more than ive ever loved my body, my mind, mentally, emotionally, spiritually & physically. 

whether people are lessons to learn from or a temporary blessing, i will always be thankful. 
people will grow stronger & wiser after every fall & setbacks.

i guess thats what challenges are for, to shape you, to harden you, to make you realize that all these while, you are actually capable on your own, that i am capable of rising up higher even after a big fall.

god i was so in love it was fucking crazy.