goodbye 2017; you were the worse

2017 was definitely the most overwhelming year ever, EVER

the year of experiencing & realizing shits,

personally for me, 2017 was the year of pain & growth

2017 was the year i fell to my lowest, the lowest i could have been emotionally, mentally & spiritually,

i remember at the end of 2016 last year, i wanted 2017 to be a challenge for me, well, it definitely was a fucking damn challenge. i thought i was ready & prepared, kononnya all geared up, 
but boy, was i wrong as hell.

2017 was the year i was officially in a relationship, my first ever relationship, with a real person, 
it was weird, it felt weird, weird in a way of i couldn't believe i actually had a boyfriend, 
someone to call mine, the day i have been imagining about all my life, 
but well, things didnt turned out the way i wanted too, shit happens and that’s life, 
reality hits me hard this time, 

well, to be honest with you, after that break up, i met another guy, which was really really brief, 
also didnt turned out well, and i had enough with men at that point, 2 heartbreaks in a short amount of time, my heart & body couldnt take it, it was too much & i wasnt strong.

my emotions were everywhere, i was doing okay & then the next thing you know im fucking sad, 
i was laughing my ass out but suddenly crying myself to sleep,

it was definitely like a rollercoaster ride, and it was not stopping,

i was emotionally unstable most of the time, i had lots of mental breakdowns, i didnt want to be in public much because i was afraid i might cry out of the blue, which i did, many times,

i was emotionally confused, abused & many other things that was really unfamiliar to me, 

emotions that i never want to feel or even go through again,

and i pray so hard, that no other human being have to feel what i felt, i cant imagine anyone else going through it too, the pain, the sufferings, the mental breakdowns i had, my heart felt like it was held too tight, the hands holding them were not even mine,
my heart feel so heavy, i felt like i was on the edge every second, 

i was broken & shattered to pieces, i was thrown to the grown, stepped on, and taken for granted.

if finding the right person has me going through all these shits, then damn know that i don't want to find my right person, no other man is worth all these pain

personally for me, it's not worth it, my heart don't deserve that kind of treatment and endurance 

as for career-wise, i stepped out of my comfort zone this year, 
might be few small baby steps but hey, slowly but surely, 

i learned that i have so so much potential as a person, i can do a lot of things when i put my mind to it, when i put my heart & soul in it,

but i get scared, i was scared of failing, i was and somehow still am scared of what people will say about me, scared of not being able to keep up with the expectations people have on me, scared that i might disappoint my family,

but i guess somehow, i need to go through it in order to reach the beautiful end destination.

sooner or later, you need to learn how to dance in the storm, sooner or later, you need to prepare yourself for the big scary world of adulthood, 

i am somehow very lucky that i have been raised up in an environment that molded me & shaped me into this business lil girl that i am today, although i still have so so much to learn, 
but i am so thankful for who i have become, 

at such a young age, i have been exposed to the business world, i have communicated with adults & learned to handle things much more maturely than my peers.

so 2017 was the year i have grown as a business woman, there is still a lot i need to keep up with, 
but i have got a harder grip at this, and i am just gonna get better, insyaAllah.

so, 2017, it was unquestionably emotionally & mentally challenging for me, 
i lost a huge part of myself in 2017, but i also redefined myself.

2017 changed me, it shaped me, molded me into someone new, someone better, someone stronger,

there was a lot of self learn & self love that went through this year, a great deal of self realisation, 

i went deep within myself, things i thought i had it at a snap of a finger, 
but turns out, i was just lost & confused, struggling out the pithole.

i was broken & i learned to heal, 
i am still in the process of recovering but i am doing so much better than before.

i might not build higher walls to surround myself but the walls i have now, will definitely be stronger and not as easily penetrable as before.

but at the end of the day, i am thankful, thankful for all what i have and for all that i have lost. 

i am thankful for the support system i have holding my back, 
i am thankful for the people i have in my life.

i am thankful for the pain i have encountered (sekarang senang ah cakap, masa tengah in pain kemain rasa nak mati woi)

i am just so thankful for all the blessings that i always, always take for granted. 
for the things & people that has always been in front of me, right between my eyes.

i have always loved myself, the people around me are aware of how much self love i have for myself,
i know my damn self worth and will never settle for anything less than i deserve,

but loving myself is also learning to accept & admit the mistakes i have made, and being able to forgive myself for it, being soft & gentle to my own body & soul, 
being able to let go of toxic people, and things that are just not meant to be, 
to stop fighting battles that will only make you suffer and gain nothing out of it,

i love myself & i don't want to feel the pain i felt, 
and i swore to myself to never put myself in that situation again

so my 2018 will be about focus & flourishing, to glow brighter. 

no more challenges or being adventurous or stepping out of my comfort zone shenanigans.

i want to focus on myself and my family. 
i want to focus on building up my career & my company.

i want to focus on my family, connect with the people that has had my back since day 1. 

that's my 2018, 

i am excited for 2018, but also so so terrified of the uncertainties of it.

but until next time my friends, 
here’s to the new chapters in life! 
this is so cliche but hey, you only live once, make it count!