attachment

I am a person who clings onto things, and people, I think I might have attachment issues but I'd rather see it as being sentimental, VERY sentimental, and it isn't totally a bad thing. 
I'll talk about those things and people like my life depends on it, remember that time I said I wasn't a beach person? and I went to Pulau Perhentian for the first time ever and it was life changing? yeah, that kind of sentimental I'm talking about here. I don't think I'll ever forget how Pulau Perhentian made me feel, how much that whole experience was phenomenal, to most it might seem rather funny how that small trip might leave a big impact but to me it meant so much. And that is how most of the things in my life works, first time I had Kyochon fried chicken? MONUMENTAL. 

I remember going to this ibadah camp thingy when I was 10/11, it was for 4 days, and I made some really good friends there, and up until today I can still have bits & pieces of those memories, looking clear as a blue sky. 
Every single time I went to a school camp, I'll always have a hard time saying goodbye, felt like I wanted to hold on to it just a little longer. Just like my college life, the first 2 years, it was so much fun because I had all of my friends together in class, we'd go to lunch together, assignments in the same group, we literally spent every weekend together, and now that its all ending, i'm still in disbelieve, disbelieve of how much I have grown, how much of my friends have grown.

I know at some point I need to face the fact that things DO change, which sucks, so bad, but they do, like it or not, (can I just say I am writing all of these down with tears in my eyes because im emotional as shit tonight) people come and go, the childhood friends you used to grow up with are no longer a part of your life, that gameboy you used to play harvestmoon on grows out of you, sooner or later reality will hit you, hit me, and all of us. Dying is not the scariest thing, but living life alone is, no friends to celebrate birthdays with, or take a trip to the nearest mall just to get tealive, idk man to some this may be insignificant  because their life doesn't revolve around others, but all of this is makes me feel, heartbroken, in a way, because being surrounded by good people, by my family & friends makes me happy.

I know its been more than a year I've posted anything on here, and EVERY. SINGLE. TIME im here, its always some sappy depressing post lol. a lot has happened in the last 14 months, A LOT. I got myself a boyfriend, thank god this one stayed (for now), went on a trip to Melbourne with my girlfriends, manage to score myself an internship placement at my dream company, TURNED 23 HOLY SHIT, also met really really worth-dying-for human beings, explored myself a little more and manage to navigate these emotions better. I've lost a few good friends too, I was torn, my heart was sad for many days but I also thought to myself, Allah will only put people in our lives who are worth being in it. Like everything else in my life, I don't have any regrets, as sad as it has to be, people just grow apart, whether it was intentional or the otherwise, there's nothing I can do, or even want to do. 

I feel better now, like I always do after writing a post. I hope god bless every one of you with all the beautiful things in life, may Allah life those heavy weights in your heart & grant you peacefulness. Stay hydrated guys, and Salam Ramadan to my fellow brothers & sisters, may this Ramadan bring prosperity and abundance of love.  

self reflecting

a lot has been going through my mind these past few weeks, a lot of self reflecting and self realisation went down. 

I went deep within myself, wasn't too deep, which I shall dig deeper over time but for these past few weeks, the biggest slap to the face was that maybe Allah gave me all these heartbreaks is because He misses me; because for some reason, I always come back running to Him, I always find myself, faced down, tears streaming down my face, barely breathing, back to Him.

because I knew, without a single doubt, that I could count on Him, ya Rahman ya Rahim.

like I've shared here before, I am one of the most stubborn human beings when it comes to saying thank you, when it comes to just stopping, and say Alhamdulillah. its the ego lol 

so by giving me these heartbreaks, Allah knew I'd come running back to Him, He knew I'd depend on Him, He know so well that suddenly my prayers would starting reaching the perfect 5 again (although subuh is not my favourite, yet), hence why the heartbreaks, do you see a pattern here? because damn well I am. God missed me, how beautiful is that.

and it made me realise that I need to stop whining and complaining and start appreciating and start showing gratitude, not just to my Creator but to everything else around me. my family, my friends, my colleagues, my teachers and lectures, everyone else and just anything in between. 

maybe if I started running back to Him when im happy, He'd be gladly to present me with more happiness. paham tak konsep ni? because the last 2 weeks I had this realisation and I was speechless, I was, in awe. it was simple maths, it has been between my eyes all these while but only now I have come to my sense, this idea is finally being comprehended.

I do realise how rarely I approach myself to the Almighty when I was happy, when I got what I wanted, when everything went the way I wanted it. 

I realised how much I ignored Him, how I have abandoned Him when I was on top of the world, and He missed me, and He knew I'd only cry to Him when im in sadness, and maybe at that moment that was the only way He could have pulled me back to Him. 

I have cried a lot these past few weeks, more than I have ever been in my entire life, of how much I have neglected Him, how much I have blinded my eyes to the obvious. but I am thankful that He still loves me, He still wants the best of me, He reminded me before it was too late, I am so thankful that I had this realisation. truly His timing is the best 

I hope my sharing today was somehow beneficial to you, brings you the realisation you need at this exact moment in your life, whatever you are going through, it is because He wants you there and never second guess His plans.

until next time my friends, I pray to those who read this, may you be bestowed with all the happiness in the world. may all your prayers and wishes come true, may you find peace. 

stay hydrated my friends.

vulnerable

being vulnerable or vulnerability; according to the dictionary is defined as "exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally." 
endangered. unsafe. unprotected. at risk. - a state where many refuse to be in or be seen in.
well I dont blame them, I understand why, but personally for me, I am not afraid of being vulnerable. if you ask the people that know or knew me, they would know how much of an open book I am, I like to share my thoughts, not afraid to tell what goes through my mind,
although sometimes my friends think its best to keep some things to myself, but I guess it's just one of my coping mechanism.

I am not afraid to share my stories, my emotions, my opinions and ideas, my love.
I can be as vulnerable I can be, as exposed, butt naked I can, but that does not make me weak, or any less capable of being dependent, in fact, to me, being vulnerable makes me tenacious and strong hearted. letting my guard down is not a weak spot for me.
and I dont expect people to be as vulnerable as how I am, I dont expect them to tell their stories or share their secrets, but what I do expect is not being lied too. I expect the truth, I expect willingness and I expect to be given the same energy I have and is willing to give.
I am well aware how vulnerability is petrifying and nerve wrecking but do not be a selfish prick.
how that person has been fully exposed to you yet you take that to your advantage, you take that person's honesty and unreserved emotions and turn it into your leverage. 

it is undeniable that the consequences of being vulnerable is there and how it can leave a big impact to anyone.
what goes around comes around and I truly believe what you throw will be thrown back at you, thats just how life works, how the cosmic universe puts you in your place.
what im trying to share today is its okay to be vulnerable, if you feel like your vulnerability is an imperfection than you are so wrong my dear. its what makes us all human.
the right people will always, always appreciate you for who you are and cherish it. if they do not know how to appreciate you, then drop them sis we tryna be happy in 2019 and leave toxic relationships, that includes friends too. until next time my friends, stay hydrated!

2019 pt.2

sometimes reading my own posts on my blog is very therapeutic, it just gives a sense of accomplishment to myself. able to see how far I have come, how strong I have rise, how wiser I have grown, and so many positive changes I am able to witness.
I am lucky enough to be able to go through this journey of self discovery and am able to learn and grown from my own past self.
I am very aware of how my posts consists of sappy, emotional, heart wrenching entries, it worries me that people might have this perception towards me, is Hayatul Nornajwa really an emotional, depressing, always sad human being, but to be honest, its the total opposite of it,
I have always been the loudest, impulsive, most jittery of any group of friends I encounter, either its in class, at work, hanging with my friends, you hear that loud laugh? yeap thats me

but when I break, I break hard, I fall, break, shredded into pieces, tore apart, you name it, and when I do fall apart, I write about it, a lot, on instagram, on twitter (especially), my phone is full of notes, from breaking down in the middle of the highway, sudden cries while grocery shopping, to reminiscing when hearing a certain song and being wide awake at 3 in the morning, I'd write non-stop, and I swear to go it gives me a peace of mind, I suddenly become calm & my tensed muscles relaxes themselves. so when someone comments about how I write too much or say too much or expose too much, it irritates me, but most importantly it triggers me, just puts me in a really bad mood.

but what I just want my friends and fellow readers to know that I am not ALWAYS this melodramatic, I dont really show it in real life. it has always been an online image of myself, far from it being an alter ego but more of an, escape. a part of me that shall only be seen from far and never to be touched, sometimes not even by my own self. so please, leave a comment, slide in my dms, text me, come and get to know me before you create this idea of me that you only see through my writings. I swear im much more fun upfront *smiles* and I swear im not scary nor intimidating, at all.

I guess this is a promise to myself and anyone who has been reading my stories, I promise to share more happier parts of myself, to include different narratives of my life and not just solely focus on the heartbreaks, although thats when my writings peak the most lol. so watch out 2019, I'm coming for you!