2019

a little late to the party but hello there 2019, it has been 10 years since I started blogging, a fucking decade, I can't believe it has been that long,

I remember the day I signed up and started writing my very first post, 

although that post shall never be shown to the world ever again, I am glad & happy that I started to write, I am glad I was able to find a place, an escape, to harvest these emotions into something useful. I am happy to be able to share my stories to everyone, even though most of the things I share can be really depressing, emotional, and just full of grieving and tears, I still manage to overcome it.

what I learned in 2018: no matter how much you put effort into anything, if its not meant to be, it will never be. most of the time I want things/people so badly that I refuse to see the red flag thats already high up, I shut my eyes, I am always in denial. and when things go sour, I only have myself to blame because I CHOSE to ignore, and I hate people blaming everyone else around them but not themselves of the choices THEY made. 

so there you go, I learned that life is unfair but it is unfair to everyone so basically somehow someway, life is fair....?

what I want to embrace in 2019: changes. i want to be more accepting. I want to be more relaxed and chill. I want to be able to look at situations that didn't go the way I planned and say its okay and move on. I want to be more 'reda' and 'sabar'. 

the people that know me know how impulsive and gelojoh I am, and although I do believe that everything happens for a reason and it is better to know than to live have lived with the 'what ifs..', life has proved me wrong. I have been in piles of shit from my impulsive decisions and I am so tired of it, im gonna let life happen on itself this time, im gonna take one step at a time. I still do believe in shooting when I see a shot but more composed now, it does not mean I am gonna be any less motivated in my work, my career, my family & friends, what I am now is more focused on my target and being on the right track, instead of trying everything at once.

2018 has opened up so much opportunities for me, I was able to learn a lot, expose myself to new environments, new knowledge. created new bonds with more beautiful souls, and break a few connections with ones that didn't deserve to be in my life. 

so here's to relaxing, siting back and just chilling in 2019, whatever happens, shall happen. ya Allah aku tak tahu la asal jadi takut tetiba bila cakap gitu hahahaha

anyway, until next time my friends, stay hydrated! 

I don't know

I am closing in 22 years of living and I seriously don't know what I doing with my life, sure I've got a job, and currently ending my second year of degree but to be honest with you, that is all just a routine. when people ask me where do I see myself in 5 years, I don't have a solid or specific answer to that because I seriously dont where will I be standing in 5 years time, I dont even fucking know where I'll stand in a year.
sure buying a house, settling down with a family, having a stable income is all on the list but genuinely, I dont what am I doing with my life or where am I heading personally. how am I growing as a person? am I contributing any good to the people around me? and it could go on and on.
life is like a wheel they say, once you're up and then you're down, and its always turning,
giving everybody chance to feel at the top of the world today, and suddenly beneath the hole tomorrow, well fuck the wheel, why can't I sit on a stationary wheel, that way it won't have to move, and everybody could sit on top at all time.

maybe right now all of these thought are coming from a dark and emotional place, but I am not joking when I say I dont know  where I see myself in 5 years time.
I want a lot of things, but its all blurry, and the destination I am heading towards, is constantly changing, my path is constantly evolving, either thats bad thing or a good thing, I dont even know. I know there's is so much opportunities that lie ahead of me, good things happen to those who take actions, and in my heart I truly believe that are so many beautiful things just waiting to happen, and take me by the hand, charm me and sway me off my feet, but what I feel right now, is happening at this very moment and I can't put myself into the idea of "life has so much ahead for you". im not exactly the "future thinking" kinda type, I really am not, I dont plan much, I'm impulsive, I live and breathe in the moment itself, I am not a fan of thinking about the future too much. I am excited about the future the possibilities it has, but I really go with the flow all my life. I can plan for tomorrow, next week, even next month but that is as far as I'll go, because I am afraid, afraid that I'll disappoint myself, I am afraid that I fall and break, I might not have the energy or capability to pull myself back up. I am afraid of things not going my way and you know damn well life is unfair, you dont always get what you want, that is why I hate planning, I let the universe take me where it wants to take me.
I am only 22 years old and I am already so done with life, yet again, I think all of these is just coming from somewhere the unstable emotions lie, I'd probably be back on my feet in a few weeks, just wait & see.

but what I do know is, I want to feel happy, I want to be content, I know happiness is not a constant emotion, it requires efforts but it is something I am willing to bet my ass on. so where do I see myself in 5 years? I have no fucking idea, and to be honest, I am okay with that, so what was the intention behind this post? just to let off my chest, so until next time my friends, stay hydrated.

expectations

one of the hardest pill to swallow is that you can never receive the amount of love you give,

no matter how much you pour your heart and soul, you will always get a little less,
either in terms of relationship, friendships, family or even your work life,
what you give you can never get back as much as you have gave,
once in a while you might get a little bit more than what you have invested, you're a lucky one if so,
but eventually at the end of the day, thats the reality of life that I still have a hard time absorbing and fully understanding.
I am capable of so much love and affection, be it with my partner, friends, family even with the people I stumble upon every single day,
and most of the time I expect to be returned what I gave, to be treated how I treat them, to be cared how I cared for them, to be loved so immensely like how I love them,
but the truth hits me hard, and I learned my lesson.

its unfair to them for me to expect so much,
different people are wired differently, act differently, love differently and its okay, 
it doesn't have to be the reason why I would love any less.

we're merely humans anyway, we bend and break, the way we talk, eat, even the way we breathe is far from similar to each other,

a friend of mine once told me, just because my way of showing affection is different from the other person, does not mean he/she loves you any less, they just have a different love rhythm.

it's a concept I still struggle to grasp, its still a new look to me, I have always been this kind of person who tries so hard to show people that I appreciate them, their efforts, their time, 
I always try very hard to give back the love I received, and maybe pour out a little more, because I have so much love to spare, so much warmth to be shared.

no matter how hard you try to achieve that sense of desire, to fill in that gap,
you can never expect too much of anyone, they really don't owe you anything,
what you can do is staying true to yourself, never differ from the path you hold on to,
"promise that no matter how much pain the world gives you, never give the pain back to anyone" - a quote stumbled upon,
until next time my friends, stay hydrated!

rezeki

As a kid, growing up I have always thought the concept of rezeki comes in the form of money; either its owning designer handbags, being able to afford to go on vacations, living in a big house and other materialistic things, but as I grow older, my perspective has definitely widen and I no longer see it through a one way path. rezeki comes in so many form that most of the time, i tend to overlook because maybe the things that has been presented to me were not what I wanted, not what I prayed for, not what my hearts craved for,

I guess unintentionally I've been brought up to think that money was the ultimate rezeki, to always pray for more money, to always aim for money, to always set money as my ultimate goal.now that I am 21, this concept of rezeki being more than just about filling up your bank account is starting to slowly creeping in,  
although I have been well aware of it, but it took me quite some time to grasp that idea,to fully understand it, although I still am struggling to get use to it, but there's progress,as for now, what I believe rezeki is about being at peace with your mind,rezeki is being able to wake up in the morning, head to the kitchen for a glass of water,rezeki is being able to kiss your parents' hands, to ask for their forgiveness, to have their blessings,rezeki is being able to buy your favourite food when you want it, being able to get in your car, go to the nearest cafe/restaurant and order immediately, rezeki is being able to smile out of the blue because you just felt content, you just felt at easerezeki comes in so many form that I always take for granted, I always complain yet never stop to take the time to say my gratitude,I always look at what I don't have, at what I'm missing, to always peep in the empty hole when there are so many blessing that has been presented to me,

I decided to wrote this down because the other day, I was sighing and felt really sad & frustrated,I always have this tendency to whine over so many things, I am always in denial of my situation, I am always in denial of my own rezeki,I thought I deserved more, and maybe I do, if I stopped complaining and just be fucking grateful,I am not only blessed with a loving family but just me, myself as a wholehonestly I had a whole other idea of where this post was going but now I'm just totally lost,but I hope you get my message here, maybe what you've been praying for all these while, Allah has already answered, but with a different presentation,you prayed for strength Allah gave you challenges, you prayed for comfort, Allah gave you baby kittens  (I don't know man, I just love baby kittens)you prayed for love and Allah gave you time, you prayed for peace and Allah gives you signs,the list could go on and on forever, but deep down your heart is fully aware,until next time my friends.